SPACE! DAD!
by Ian Sullivan Cant & Melissa Bull

Sarah Steinberg let me repost this piece from Vice mag.
Just the perfect sentiment for Father's Day, kiddos.

DADDY'S GIRL

Just because my dad was never around because he was a drug-addled loser doesn't mean that he didn't teach me a couple of things. My dad (or "Dave" as he had me call him) taught me that jeans were made for wiping your dirty hands, that the word "toilet" should be pronounced like "troy-let" and how to play Ms. Pac-Man for at least half an hour on one quarter. I was thinking about calling him up to ask him a few questions about his life but then I realized that I didn't have his number. So I called my mom instead.

VICE: So it's Father's Day this weekend.

My mom: I guess so.

Have you talked to David lately?

Who's David?

My father.

Oh, David. No. Have you?

No. I didn't think he had a phone.

I don't know that he does.

Well, look. I had a question about him that I wanted to ask you. I was thinking about how when people do a lot of drugs how they usually sit around with the people they're doing the drugs with and talk about the big ideas they have and the big things they're going to do.

Yeah.

So I'm just wondering, what do you think he talked about when he was getting high? What were the things he was gonna do?

I don't recall David ever talking about things he was going to do.

Oh. But I mean, what were his goals?

I have no idea that he ever had any goals.

No goals?

No.

Well what did he enjoy doing?

He played pool. And he went to the horses. And he's like a master whaddayacallit when you can pick the right number combinations to win big money?

I dunno, but he couldn't have been very good at that because otherwise he might have had a pot to piss in, right?

Well it's interesting. He told me that the first time he went to the races--he was a cashier at a deli at the time--he won something like $35,000. And it so scarred him, because when you start out winning like that, for the rest of your life you're going to give it back. And that's exactly what he did. He just kept giving it back. By that stage in his life he was already headed down. He'd already left behind a bad marriage.

What are you talking about? Who was he married to?

I've told you this before. To a woman in Sweden.

Wait . . .

But they were divorced. He led me to understand that it was a marriage of convenience.

So that she could live in the States?

No, the other way around. So that he could stay in Sweden.

He was living in Sweden?

He was eventually deported. Or repatriated.

Because he was broke? Is that some kind of capital offense in Sweden?

Oh no, not at all! It's just that the US doesn't like having to pay to bring their people home--

But why was he deported in the first place?

I have no idea, you'd have to ask him.

But how did he get to Sweden?

You'd have to ask him. Me, I never got answers.

So could I have brothers or sisters?

Sarah, I have no idea.

Yeah. OK. Well, happy Father's Day.

All right dear. You too.

-SARAH STEINBERG

SPACE! DAD!
by Melissa Bull & Ian Sullivan Cant